评论
打印
You suck at cooking, yeah you totally suck.
你厨艺弱爆了，完全弱爆了。
So we're gonna take some Parmesan cheese, get that grated into smithereens, and then put 1 cup of that Parmesan into a bowl.
拿一些帕尔玛干酪，把它砸成粉末，然后把一杯帕尔玛干酪放进碗里。
Then, we're gonna crack open a couple of mayo pods.
然后打几个蛋黄酱蛋。
Usually, two is enough to get a 1/2 cup.
一般两个蛋就够半杯。
Throw that in the bowl, and then a 1/2 cup of sour cream.
把蛋黄酱倒进碗里，然后再来半杯酸奶油。
You basically want 1 cup of Parmesan to 1 cup of wet stuff.
基本上一杯帕尔玛干酪配一杯湿的东西。
That could be a cup of Parm, 1/2 cup mayo, 1/2 cup greek yogurt.
也就是一杯帕尔玛，半杯蛋黄酱，半杯希腊酸奶。
That could be 1/2 cup Parmesanio, 1/3 mayo, 1/3 sour cream, 1/3 greek yogurt.
也可以是半杯帕尔马，三分之一杯蛋黄酱，三分之一杯酸奶油，三分之一杯希腊酸奶。
Could be 1 cup Parmesanezia, 1/2 cup mayo, 1/2 cup sour cream, 1/2 cup cream cheese.
也可以是1杯帕尔玛，半杯蛋黄酱，半杯酸奶油，半杯奶油奶酪。
If you're a maniac, it can be 1 cup Parmesanana and 1 cup mayo.
如果你是个疯子，还可以是一杯帕尔马和一杯蛋黄酱。
Or it could be 1 cup Parmesan to 1/2 cup mayo and a 1/2 cup water with white food coloring in it.
或者一杯帕尔玛，半杯蛋黄酱，半杯含有白色食用色素的水。
Y O U D E C I D E.
你说了算。
Then, you're gonna need a leek.
然后需要一根韭葱。
And because it's game day, I'm gonna chop this with my Knifesketball.
因为今天是比赛日，所以我要用篮球刀切它。
It's far more efficient than a conventional chopping knife because you utilize the bounce, which basically chops it for you.
它比传统菜刀的效率高得多，因为会利用弹力，基本上自动就帮你切好了。
And this is a great example of why physics is a good thing, and not a bad thing.
这很好地证明了为什么物理是好事，而不是坏事。
I'm gonna take some garlic, and because it's game day, I'm gonna use my Shredminton Racket.
还要来一些大蒜，因为今天是比赛日，所以我要用羽毛球刮刀。
These things are amazing at picnics.
这些东西超级适合野餐。
To combine this, I'm gonna use my official 2018 Federer Edition Grand Slamjangler.
为了整体配套，我还要用2018费德勒大满贯官方版搅拌器。
They only made a hundred thousand of these.
这个产品只生产了10万个。
I'm gonna crack open a cold one with the boys.
再开一罐冷罐头。
And because it's game day, I'm gonna cut these up with my chopping knife.
因为今天是比赛日，所以我要用菜刀把它们切碎。
Let's add in those artichokes, some salt, some pepper pepper pepper.
加入这些朝鲜蓟、盐、胡椒胡椒胡椒。
And because it's game day, I'm gonna throw in a slash a Hocksauce.
因为今天是比赛日，所以我要加一点曲棍球酱。
There's a lot of other things you could add to this:
还有很多其他东西可以加进去：
basil, roasted red pepper, sun-dried tomato, jalape?o, anything you think might taste good even though you're wrong.
罗勒，烤红辣椒，西红柿干，墨西哥辣椒，任何你认为可能好吃的东西，即使你可能预计错误。
And we're gonna pour this into a shallow baking dish that I stole from my sister without telling her, but that's how you get for taking back the Vitamix.
然后把这些倒进一个浅浅的烤盘里，这是我从我妹妹那里偷来的，没有跟她说，但谁让你把搅拌机拿走了呢。
Undoh's on four hundo, and we're gonna let that bake until the top starts to brown.
烤箱调到400，然后烤至顶部变成棕色。
If you don't have an undoh or you want to save money on electricity, you can just chuck it in a hot car for a few hours.
如果你没有烤箱，或者你想省电，可以把它扔进发热的车里，放几个小时。
And then once you eat it, you can drive yourself directly to the hospital.
吃完之后就可以直接开车去医院。
While that's baking, we're gonna get ready for the big game.
在等烤箱的时候，我们要为大赛做准备。
I've got my mini keg, helmet, so I won't have to get up too often to get another drink.
迷你啤酒桶和头盔已到位，这样就不用经常起身去续杯了。
I've got my catheter, so I won't have to get up at all.
导尿管也已到位，这样完全不用起身了。
Got my game day shirt, everyone knows I'm a HUGE Glitterbacks fan.
比赛日球衣已到位，每个人都知道我是Glitterback的超级球迷。
If they win—OH, this stuff's gonna be EVERYWHERE!
如果他们赢了，这种东西会到处都是！
I've got my let's party sign so everyone knows it's time to party.
一起派对的牌子已到位，这样大家都知道是开派对的时候了。
I've got my emotional guidance chart, so I remember how to respond depending on how the game goes.
情绪指导表已到位，这样我就记得对于不同的比赛结果该给出什么反应。
I got my lucky football for my second favorite team.
我第二喜欢的球队的幸运橄榄球已到位。
Go on MVP.
MVP冲啊。
If we win, I've got some extra beer to celebrate with.
如果我们赢了，还有多余的啤酒来庆祝。
If we lose, I've got some extra beer to drink.
如果我们输了，还有多余的啤酒喝。
I got my ref insult practice station here.
这里是我的"怼裁判"训练站。
Hey, ref, why don't you STOP being a jack wagon, and start REFFING for once in your life!
嘿，裁判，你能不能别像个傻子一样，真的好好当一次裁判！
High five, high five, high five, high five.
击掌，击掌，击掌，击掌。
Hey, ref, you couldn't ref, even if you had very, specific, reffing instructions that told you how to DO it right!
嘿，裁判，就算给了你非常，具体的指示，告诉你怎么正确当裁判，你还是白瞎！
High five, high five, high five, high five.
击掌，击掌，击掌，击掌。
Now, the final step to getting ready for the big game is to make sure everyone knows who the alpha is.
为大赛做好准备的最后一步是确保每个人都知道谁才是老大。
I do that by wearing my yellow belt, so every dude in the room knows I can take him.
我会系上我的黄色腰带，这样屋里的每个人都知道我可以打败他。
If you're wearing one of these, you're not gonna get challenged 99 out of a thousand times.
系上这个腰带，千分之九十九的可能性没人敢挑战你。
I got my eye drops.
眼药水到位。
I put an entire bottle in each eye so that I will not blink once.
每只眼睛里滴上一整瓶眼药水，这样我可以完全不眨眼。
And the most important quality of the alpha is height.
老大最重要的品质就是身高。
If you're only 7' 2" like me, you're gonna need a pair of alpha pumps.
如果你像我一样只有两米一，就需要一双老大穿的高跟鞋。
This allows me to tower over everybody.
这让我能傲视众人。
These things are a little tricky to walk in.
就是穿起来走路有点费劲。
So if I'm having a cocktail, I throw it in a sippy cup.
如果我要喝鸡尾酒，我就把酒倒进带习惯的瓶子里。
Because if I spill something, that clumsiness will immediately open up a challenge to my alpha authority.
因为要是走路的时候酒洒出来，这种笨手笨脚的样子会立即让别人挑战我的老大权威。
If someone DOES decide to challenge you, put your foot down, stay calm, and reveal your "I'm the alpha" shirt underneath your game day shirt.
如果有人就是想挑战你，那就坚定步伐，保持冷静，掀开比赛日衬衫，露出里面的“我是老大”衬衫。
If the dude won't back down, slip him 20 bucks and say, "Hey man, is it cool if I'm the alpha, just for today?
如果这家伙不肯让步，就塞给他20美元，然后说：“嘿，兄弟，今天我是老大，就今天一天，行吗？
I mean, like, I made all the snacks, it's my apartment, and it would really mean a lot, uh, to me, i-i-if you're cool with that."
我是说，所有的零食都是我做的，这是我的公寓，如果你不介意的话，这对我来说意义重大。
This works every time.
这一招屡试不爽。
So now that we know a hundred percent who the alpha is, I'm gonna get back in the kitchen and check on that dip.
现在我们百分百确定谁才是老大了，那么我要回厨房看看蘸料怎么样了。
Observe how the dip is lightly golden crusted, bubbling steadily like a hot mayo and artichoke volcano.
看看蘸料稍微烤焦的金色外壳，它像火热的蛋黄酱和朝鲜蓟火山一样稳定地咕嘟冒泡。
You can eat this with crackers, you can eat this with tortilla chips.
可以用饼干蘸着它吃，也可以配着玉米片一起吃。
I'm gonna eat this with cauliflower, since I'm totally getting ripped on keto right now.
我准备配着花菜吃，因为我现在完全被生酮饮食迷住了。
Just throw in a bit of a game day golf ball garnish here.
再加几个比赛日高尔夫球点缀一下就行了。
And let's get out there and, uh, go sports!
现在我们去外面，做运动吧！
SPORTS!
运动！
SPORTS!
运动！
SPORTS!
运动！
Let's play sports!
我们一起做运动！
BOOKS!
读书！
BOOKS!
读书！
BOOKS!
读书！
Let's read books!
我们一起读书吧！
Let's play sports and let's read books and be well-rounded human beings!
我们一起运动，我们一起读书，我们一起全面发展吧！
SPORTS!
运动！
BOOKS!
读书！
SPORTS!
运动！
