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You suck at cooking, yeah you totally suck.
你的厨艺弱爆了，完全弱爆了。
Today we're making easy chicken noodle soup.
今天我们做超简单的鸡肉面汤。
This recipe is quick, simple and painless.
这个菜快速、简单、无痛。
Except we'll be wearing our thumbtack underwear, so that part's gonna hurt.
只不过我们会穿着铆钉内衣，除此之外没有疼痛。
We're gonna start by collecting some couch onions.
首先收集一些沙发洋葱。
No need to get fancy here.
不需要什么高级的洋葱。
Some people look down on them, but I love the flavor.
有些人看不起它们，但我喜欢它们的味道。
And we'll smash that against the wall.
然后把它砸在墙上。
You can peel off the onion's shallow exterior. Ooh, orange slices.
可以把洋葱薄薄的外皮剥下来。哦，橘子片。
Then chop it up into smaller pieces, sliver, slices, chunks, whatever.
然后把它切成更小的碎片、小片、薄片、大块，随便什么。
Remember that onion is the foundation of your soup, which isn't true, because the foundation is actually the pot.
记住，洋葱是汤的基础，但其实不是，因为汤的基础实际上就是锅。
Then set these aside in onion purgatory with your dough cutter.
然后用面团切刀来折磨这些洋葱。
Thanks mom.
老妈，多谢。
If you want to make this even easier, you can prop your cutting board up with a cloth and then blackmail someone into chopping the onion for you.
如果想更简单一点，可以用一块布支起菜板，然后威胁别人帮你切洋葱。
We're gonna collect some carrots also, known as closet stalactites.
还要收集一些胡萝卜，也就是壁橱里的胡萝卜钟乳石。
Then wash off that closet stank.
然后把壁橱里的臭味洗掉。
When chopping carrots, it's important to make them smaller than the diameter of your mouth.
切胡萝卜时，要切得比嘴巴的直径小，这一点很重要。
And remember the less perfect it looks, the more homemade it will look, so go ahead and smash part of the carrot with a hammer.
还要记住，它看起来越不完美，就越有家的味道，所以可以直接用锤子把胡萝卜砸碎。
Just remember this is soup, not a fashion show.
记住这是煮汤，不是时装秀。
Now we're going to need some salad cigars, which you can make by rolling up some crispy water.
现在我们需要一些沙拉雪茄，可以把一些又脆又有水分的东西卷起来当雪茄。
If they're crispy enough, you can just let them shatter.
如果足够脆，可以直接把它们摔碎。
But honestly, don't be afraid to use the modern stuff.
但老实说，不要害怕使用现代的东西。
It's easy and it tastes great.
不仅方便，而且味道很好。
Part of a complete breakfast.
丰盛早餐就有了。
Yeah.
耶。
We'll put our pot on medium heat, then pour in some olive grease, then get that onion in there along with the carrots and celery.
把锅放在中火上，倒入一些橄榄油，然后把洋葱、胡萝卜和芹菜一起放进去。
Now we've got a nice hot refreshing vegetable medley here, which will cook for a few minutes until they soften up pretty good.
现在就有了热腾腾的蔬菜什锦，然后煮几分钟，直到它们变得很软。
Now we'll grab a garlic bulb, then we'll smash that into smaller pieces, and we'll just add that in for the last couple minutes of sauteing, now we'll prepare our broth around 6 cups.
现在拿一个大蒜灯泡，摔碎成小块，在最后几分钟加进去，现在我们要准备大约6杯的肉汤。
I'm using veggie bouillon cubes because I like the flavor.
我用蔬菜浓汤宝，因为我喜欢这个味道。
I start with a small amount of boiling water, then use a fork to smush it apart, which will help avoid any clumpification, if it doesn't dissolve properly.
先用少量沸水，然后用叉子把它搅碎，如果不能好好溶解，这样可以避免结块。
These are veggies, so if you want to make a vegan version, you can just put in any vegetable protein, instead of the chicken and that should taste good.
这些都是蔬菜，如果你想做纯素食版本，只需放入植物蛋白而不是鸡肉，味道应该很好。
I'm also gonna add some pepper pepper pepper, then we'll let that simmer down.
我还会加一些胡椒胡椒胡椒，然后让它慢慢煮。
The soup is gonna be as good as your broth, so make sure you check for WABS.
这种汤和肉汤一样美味，所以一定要注意别煮出WABS(清淡不好喝的汤)。
Here's my four-point attack system for combating WABS.
这是我的四面出击系统，用来对抗WABS。
Cook it down to increase strength, add salt, add additional flavors, get taste bud enhancement surgery.
把汤熬浓以增加力道，加盐，增加额外的味道，做一个味觉增强手术。
Now it's time for the chicken.
现在要准备鸡肉了。
If you want, you can wear a pair of chicken handling gloves, so your hands don't get pregnant.
如果你愿意，可以戴上一副处理鸡肉的手套，这样手就不会怀孕。
Now I'm going to slice this up into thick strips, then I'm going to slide those straight into the broth hot tub for around 8 minutes until it's cooked through.
把鸡肉切成粗粗的条，然后直接丢进肉汤浴缸里煮大约8分钟，直到它煮透。
Then you can take them out and set them aside.
然后可以把肉拿出来放在一边。
Meanwhile get someone to send you noods.
同时，找人给你发点面条（谐音nudes）。
Then we'll add in around a cup of those noods.
然后，加入一杯左右的面条。
Make sure you stir a few times early on, so they don't stick to the bottom of your foundation.
一开始一定要搅拌几次，这样就不会粘在锅底上。
Now we can start dismantling the chicken, which we'll do by pulling it apart.
现在可以开始拆鸡肉了，把它扒拉几下就行了。
You can push it, if you want to, but the best way is to just shred.
也可以推它，如果你愿意的话，但最好的方法撕碎（双关吉他速弹）。
Then you can throw the chicken shreds back in there.
然后可以把鸡丝扔回去了。
Now the soup might not recognize the chicken in its new form, which could make it defensive.
现在，汤可能无法识别鸡肉的这种新形状，这可能会让它怀有戒心。
So then it's your job to rise above that and not get defensive yourself, you're better than that.
你的任务就是不和它一般见识，不要自己也有戒心，你比它更棒。
By the way, why did the chicken cross the road?
顺便问一下，小鸡为什么要过马路？
Because the farmer was a neglectful piece of...
因为农夫是马马虎虎的混蛋。
Now this is easy chicken noodle soup.
这是简单的鸡肉面汤。
But if you want to make complicated chicken noodle soup, pick a fight with your partner, then cook this as a makeup present.
如果你想做复杂的鸡肉面汤，那就和你的伴侣吵一架，然后做一碗这个汤作为和好的礼物。
And here we have our soup.
我们的汤就做好了。
This isn't a bowl of water where you get one piece of chicken every 17 bites.
这不是一碗清汤寡水，每17口才能喝到一块鸡肉。
With this soup you get chicken and 12 out of 15 bites.
我们这碗汤，15口中有12口都能喝到鸡肉。
You might call it chunky noodle soup or chicken noodle chili, or chicken noodle chunks with a splash of broth, or crustless watery chicken pot pie.
你可以称之为大块鸡肉面汤，或鸡肉面条浓酱，或大坨鸡肉面条加一点点肉汤，或无壳液体鸡肉馅饼。
Now I'll put suggested amounts of ingredients in the description, but one of the beauties of chicken noodle soup is that it's a little bit different every single time.
我会在简介里备注各种食材建议的用量，但鸡肉面汤的美丽之处在于，它每次都有不同的味道。
But by far the most beautiful thing about chicken noodle soup is its long luscious glowing hair and wonderful personality.
但到目前为止，鸡肉面汤最美的地方是它柔顺光亮的长发和甜美的个性。
