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You suck at cooking, yeah you totally suck.
你的厨艺弱爆了，完全弱爆了。
Kale is probably the most hated leafy green on the planet.
羽衣甘蓝可能是地球上最令人讨厌的绿叶蔬菜。
But it's not just because it's become a symbol of hipster-ism. It's because out of all of the leafy greens, kale is the most smug.
但这不仅仅是因为它已经成为潮人的象征，还因为在所有的绿叶蔬菜中，羽衣甘蓝是最洋洋自得的。
That's why step one when making kale chips, is to humble your kale.
这就是为什么在做甘蓝薯片时，第一步是让你的甘蓝变得谦逊。
Hey, look at me, you're not better than anybody. OK?
嘿，看着我，你不比任何人强，好吗?
See this? It's called Romaine.
看到这个了吗？它叫罗马生菜。
It comes from Rome. Where do you come from? Nowhere. That's where.
它来自罗马。你来自哪里？不知名的小地方。就在那里。
It's got a high heat tolerance.
它有很高的耐热性。
People use this to make open-faced tuna sandwiches.
人们用它来做单片金枪鱼三明治。
People don't use you to make open-faced anything because your spine's too thick and nobody wants to eat it.
人们不会用你做单片的任何东西，因为你的茎太粗了，没有人想吃它。
Think about that.
自己想一想。
See this?
看到这个了吗？
It's called arugula. You get more flavor from taking one look at arugula than you do from eating your entire body, okay?
这叫芝麻菜。看一眼芝麻菜都比把你整个吃进去能尝到更多味道，好吗？
Don't forget that.
别忘了这一点。
See this? It's called red leaf lettuce.
看到这个了吗？这叫红叶生菜。
The leaves have red in them. Do you have any red in you?
它叶子里有红色。你身上有红色吗？
No, you don't, 'cause you're boring. Oh, look at this, it's a bag of mixed greens.
不，你没有，因为你很无聊。看这个，这是一袋混合绿叶蔬菜。
Everyone's invited to the party except you.
除了你以外，每棵菜都被邀请加入了。
Why? Because you have the texture of rubber, that's why.
为什么？因为你口感像橡胶，这就是为什么。
Also, you're not a lettuce, you're a cruciferous vegetable.
还有，你不是生菜，你是十字花科蔬菜。
You'll never be a lettuce. Don't forget that.
你永远都成为不了生菜。别忘了这一点。
See this? It's called iceberg lettuce.
看到这个了吗？这叫冰山生菜。
You're actually better than iceberg lettuce. I can't lie about that.
你其实比冰山生菜好一点，这我不能撒谎。
It's a flavorless textured ball.
这是一个没有味道的粗糙的球。
The ancestors of the people who died in the Titanic have more respect for actual icebergs than they do for iceberg lettuce. That's how bad it is.
泰坦尼克号遇难者的祖先对真正的冰山的尊重都比对冰山生菜的尊重要多。它就是这么糟糕。
It's basically crispy water.
它基本上是咬起来脆脆的水。
So you got that going for you. But at least it's named after something cool.
所以你的名字叫冰山。但至少名字听起来很酷。
It's not named after something that rhymes with hail, which falls from the sky and hurts people every year so.
它不是以与从天而降的冰雹押韵的东西命名的，冰雹每年都会伤害人们。
Don't forget that.
别忘了这一点。
So now you're gonna wanna bail the kale out of the pail that you got on sale.
现在要把甘蓝从打折买的桶里倒出来。
Then check it for nails and then pull off its tail while muffling its wail and inspect it to make sure it doesn't contain snails. And that it's not too frail.
然后检查有没有钉子，然后拔下它的尾巴，同时捂住它的哭声，检查一下，确保没有蜗牛，而且不会太蔫。
And then use it to check your mail and rub it on the rails with a banana for scale.
然后用它来检查你的邮箱，并和香蕉一起在栏杆上摩擦。
Then do a criminal background check to make sure it's never been in the prison system because you don't need that kind of negative energy when you're making kale chips.
然后做一个犯罪背景调查，以确保它从未进入监狱系统，因为当你做羽衣甘蓝薯片时，你不需要那种负能量。
Now you wanna wash the kale, but make sure you dry it so the water doesn't interfere with the cooking.
现在清洗羽衣甘蓝，但要确保它干燥，这样炒的时候水就不会碍事。
You can give it a vigorous shake or hang it from the cupboard.
你可以用力摇晃它，或者把它挂在橱柜里。
Or hold it outside in the rain so that the raindrops cancel out the tap drops.
或者把它放在外面淋雨，这样雨水就会抵消自来水。
Or use a hair flattener. Or a hair dryer. Or put it in the microwave for 0.5 seconds. Or tuck it in for a good night's rest. Or warm it by the fire. Or just become a human salad spinner. Oh, God, I feel sick.
或者使用压发板，或者吹风机。或者把它放在微波炉里加热0.5秒。或者让它在被窝里好好休息一晚。或者在火边加热。或者变成一个人形沙拉旋转器。哦，天哪，我觉得有点想吐。
Now that the kale isn't so high on itself, you can go ahead and tear off some big pieces.
现在甘蓝没那么自视过高了，你就可以撕下一大片叶子。
Take a bowl. Put in a handful of kale pieces. Better enough to cover an onion pan.
拿一个碗，放入一把甘蓝。足够盖住一个洋葱锅就好了。
Put in a drizzle of olive oil, bit of salt, and mix that up really good.
加入少量橄榄油和少许盐，然后充分混合在一起。
Take a pan. Put some parchment paper. Spread them out in a single layer
拿一只平底锅和一些羊皮纸，把甘蓝铺成一层。
Onion's on 350 and we'll put those in for about ten minutes.
“洋葱烤箱”调到350度，放进去大约十分钟。
Don't forget to set a timer on your phone.
别忘了给你的手机设置一个定时器。
If you wanna get a little more flavorful than that, take some olive oil and some dijon, mix it together.
如果想加点味道，倒一些橄榄油和第戎芥末酱，混合在一起。
Take another handful of kale and get it covered. Add a little salt.
再拿一把甘蓝，裹上调料，再加一点盐。
Now take a pan and some parchment paper. And spread your kale out in a single layer.
现在拿一个平底锅和一些羊皮纸，把甘蓝铺成一层。
Onion's on tree fiddy. And we'll put that in for about ten minutes.
烤箱调到350度。放进去大约十分钟。
If you wanna take a sharp left turn to Flavortown, take some ginger.
如果你想左转进入风味小镇，就拿一些生姜。
Pour in some olive oil. Grate the ginger into that. Now add in a little bit of honey. Throw in a handful of kale. Mix the honey ginger in there. And then coat that the F up. Add in a little salt.
倒入一些橄榄油，把生姜磨碎，加入一点蜂蜜，加入一把甘蓝，混入蜂蜜生姜，然后甘蓝上都蘸上蜂蜜，再加一点盐。
There's a lot of folds in kale. If you were to unfold one kale leaf, it could cover a whole football field, if that football field was approximately the size of that kale.
甘蓝上有很多褶皱。如果你展开一片羽衣甘蓝叶子，它可以覆盖整个足球场，如果足球场和那片叶子一样大的话。
You wanna take a pan with a piece of parchment paper. Spread that kale out in a single layer. Ungo's on three fungo. Put that in here for about ten minutes.
拿出平底锅和羊皮纸，甘蓝铺一层，烤箱调到350度，放进去大约十分钟。
Now if you wanna take a sharp right turn into Spice Village, take some olive oil, add in some cumin. And then you decide if you wanna put honey or something sweet in here. If you're not sure if you should, ask yourself.
如果你想右转进入香料村，就放一些橄榄油，加入一些茴香籽，然后你决定是放蜂蜜还是甜的东西。如果你不确定是否应该放蜂蜜，问问你自己。
Do I like sweet things or do I only like brown things?
我是喜欢甜食，还是只喜欢棕色的东西？
You wanna coat it nice and evenly. Now for this one, you wanna take a pan, a single piece of parchment paper. You wanna spread that on in one layer. Onion's on three funyun. We're just gonna put these ones inside for about ten minutes.
均匀地涂上一层。拿一个平底锅，一张羊皮纸，甘蓝铺一层，烤箱调到350度，放进去大约十分钟。
Okay, so our first batch of kale chips is done here.
好的，我们的第一批甘蓝薯片已经做好了。
Olive oil and salt, kale chips are really good.
橄榄油和盐，甘蓝薯片真的很好吃。
Mustard kale chips are a little over done.
芥末甘蓝薯片有点烤过头了。
Now we've got the sweet and gingery ones.
这些是甜姜味的。
Whoa, look at this. Ventured into the danger zone here, but pulled it out in the nick of time.
哇，看这个。进入了危险区域，但被及时救回来了。
Damn these are the best and it's not just 'cause of my sugar addiction . Yes it is.
我去，甜口的最好吃了，不是因为我对糖上瘾。是的，就是。
You can't make kale chips if you're the kind of person that'll just get distracted...
你做不了甘蓝薯片，如果你是那种容易分心的……
Oh, duct tape. I love this stuff.
哦，胶带，我喜欢胶带。
And finally we've got our cumin spiced kale chips. Just kale chip perfection raining down on us.
最后是茴香味甘蓝薯片。全都是烤得完美的甘蓝薯片。
Mmm. No one wants to be that jackass that shows up to a party with kale chips. But also you probably wanna bring your kale chips to a party and show everyone how good they are.
嗯，没有人想成为那个拿着甘蓝薯片出现在派对上的笨蛋，但你可能也想把你的甘蓝薯片带到派对上，向所有人展示它们有多好吃。
So the way you solve this is take some of that parchment paper, tape it together.
所以你解决这个问题的方法是拿一些羊皮纸，把它粘在一起。
Don't make the mistake of thinking you can use masking tape. I listened to someone who recommended masking tape on parchment paper and uh it didn't stick at all. And so I cut her out of my life.
不要误以为你可以使用纸胶带。我听了一个人的建议，在羊皮纸上贴纸胶带，结果完全粘不住，所以我和她绝交了。
And then decide what you're gonna name your kale chips.
然后决定给你的甘蓝薯片取什么名字。
Frumpty Clumpty Kale Chips, Blays Paleo Crisps.
胖大大甘蓝薯片，黑焦焦脆薯片。
We got Cool Branch Horriblos. Cruciferous Belligerence.
还有酷树枝，好斗的十字花。
We got Sour Dreaming Bunyan Flavored Kale Chips. And Taclitos
还有酸梦风味薯片，以及塔克里多。
And the final step is to post on Instagram about how you made kale chips, and how kale chips are the best, and how they saved your life, and how they're so good for your kids, and how you'll never eat potato chips again, and only horrible people eat potato chips, and basically potato chips can suck your.
最后一步是在Ins上发布你是如何做甘蓝薯片的，它们是为什么是最棒的，它们是如何拯救你的生命，它们是如何对你的孩子有益，你如何再也不吃土豆做的薯片了，只有衰人才会吃土豆薯片，基本上土豆薯片让你觉得恶心。
You suck at cooking, yeah you totally suck.
你的厨艺弱爆了，完全弱爆了。
