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This is a salad.
这是沙拉。
This is also a salad.
这也是沙拉。
This too, is a salad.
这个也是沙拉。
It begs the question: what the fxxk is a salad?
这就引出了一个问题:沙拉到底是什么?
So, we're gonna take some blueberries...
所以，我们准备一些蓝莓……
NO! We do NOT do that here.
不！我们这里不这样做。
This isn't a parade, it's a fruit salad. Let's be serious.
这不是列队表演，这是水果沙拉。我们要认真点。
We'll just throw those in a bowl, then we'll pull the stems off some strawberries
我们把它们放在碗里，然后把草莓的茎拔下来
and slice those up into the size of strawberry pieces that you think are cool.
把它们切成你认为很酷的草莓块大小。
And if you want a bit of a sharper taste, cut them into triangles, the most dangerous shape of all.
如果你想要更犀利一点，可以把它们切成三角形，这是最危险的形状。
Then we'll take some grapes and slice them in half.
然后我们拿一些葡萄，把它们切成两半。
You can go two at a time if you want.
如果你愿意，你可以一次切两个。
Or take another cutting board, then line up a whole row, and realize that that doesn't work at all.
或者拿另一块砧板，排成一排，然后发现那根本行不通。
You're not getting that time back. Just stick with one or two.
还是别浪费时间了。就一次切一个或者两个吧。
Find a way to enjoy the slice, I know it feels slow.
找到一种享受切片的方式，我知道它感觉很慢。
Then we'll take a can of pineapple...
然后我们拿一罐菠萝罐头……
drain the juice, then throw in those pre-chopped niblets.
沥干果汁，然后放入切碎的水果粒。
Now you may want fresh pineapple, but...
现在你可能想要新鲜的菠萝，但是……
A) You can't eat that much pineapple unless you
你不能吃那么多菠萝，除非你
B) Are having a giant fruit salad party which you C) Are not
要举办一个巨大的水果沙拉派对，不
So... just get the can.
所以还是用罐装的吧。
Don't worry. Metal is natural, and if you don't like pineapple, just throw in a can of oranges.
别担心。金属是天然的，如果你不喜欢菠萝，就放一罐橙子。
Now, we're gonna take a melon.
现在，我们要拿一个瓜。
NO!
不！
Do not trust a fruit that has a seed nest in the middle.
不要相信中间有一堆种子的水果。
But, feel free to throw in one of those kiwis.
不过，你可以随便给我一个猕猴桃。
Now we're just gonna make the fruit salad dressing,
现在我们要做水果沙拉酱，
Just because it's called "salad" doesn't mean it needs a "dressing".
只是因为它叫“沙拉”并不意味着它需要“调味料”。
A lot of people put "orange juice" and "sugar" or "honey",
很多人会放“橙汁”和“糖”或“蜂蜜”，
but let me tell you a little secret about "fruit salad"...
但让我告诉你一些关于“水果沙拉”的小秘密……
Every single piece of this stuff is already full of fruit juice and sugar.
每片水果上已经满是果汁和糖了。
It's built-in!
他是自带的！
That's why it tastes so good.
所以才这么好吃。
We'll add in some lime juice so you get a sour, flavour-enhancing punch-in-the-mouth before a sweet and gentle finish and that's it.
我们会加入一些酸橙汁，这样入口就会有一种酸爽的味道，然后是甜美柔和的余味，就是这样。
You don't want a giant pool of juice sitting at the bottom of the bowl.
你肯定不希望碗底有一大滩果汁。
This isn't gazpacho.
这不是西班牙凉菜汤。
But, if you insist on making fruit salad gazpacho, then make fruit salad sangria gazpacho.
但是，如果你坚持要做西班牙凉菜汤，那就做水果沙拉桑格利亚凉菜汤吧。
It's the perfect breakfast cereal if you have a difficult time getting enough wine into your body.
如果你喝酒没喝够，可以把它当成完美的早餐麦片。
Mmm... Breakfast.
嗯…早餐。
Now here's an important question: Is there a place in fruit salad for banana?
现在有一个重要的问题：香蕉在水果沙拉中有一席之地吗?
Yes, there is: as a banangjangler.
是的，香蕉搅拌工具。
Just banangjangle that together until it's fully banangjangled...
搅拌在一起直到完全搅拌。
You can also use it as a very bad spoon.
你也可以把它当作一个不太行的勺子。
Or as a even worse knife. Horrible fork... Excellent fork grip.
或者更糟糕的刀。叉子？很好地撑住叉子。
So now you've done the easy part of making the fruit salad.
现在你已经完成了制作水果沙拉的简单部分。
Which is chopping and combining the fruit.
也就是把水果切成块混合在一起。
That's also the only part of making the fruit salad.
这也是制作水果沙拉的唯一环节。
Congratulations, what an accomplishment. You put fruit in a bowl.
恭喜你，多么了不起的成就啊。你把水果放在碗里了。
Oh, good for you.
哦，真不错。
If you make fruit salad and someone says...
如果你做了水果沙拉，有人说……
'Oh my god this fruit salad is the best!'...
‘天啊，这水果沙拉太好吃了!’
Well you're not allowed to feel too proud...
你不能太骄傲啊
Because all you did was chop up bits of fruit and put 'em inside a bowl!
因为你所做的只是把水果切碎然后放进碗里!
The fruit already tasted great...
单是水果已经尝起来很棒了……
You didn't invent... The flavour of grapes!
你并没有发明……葡萄的味道!
The good flavor came built into the fruit...
水果本身就有好味道。
So don't take credit for something that you didn't do
所以不要为你没做过的事邀功。
