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It's cold outside which makes it a good day to atone for your sins.
外面很冷，这是个赎罪的好日子。
If you've ever done something that warrants an apology, you might find it physically difficult to get the words to come out of your mouth.
如果你曾经做过什么值得道歉的事情，你可能会觉得很难将那些话说出口。
The best solution to this conundrum is to make mashed potatoes.
解决这个难题的最好办法就是做土豆泥。
The region of the brain that determines your feelings about mashed potatoes is the same region of the brain that determines your ability to accept an apology.
大脑中决定你对土豆泥的感觉的区域和决定你接受道歉的能力的区域是同一处。
Show me someone who doesn't like mashed potatoes, and I'll show you someone who has no ability to forgive.
告诉我谁不喜欢土豆泥，那我就可以告诉你他没有宽恕的能力。
Start by making sure your potatoes are at room temperature.
首先要确保土豆处于室温。
Potatoes higher than room temperature are angry potatoes, and angry potatoes only taste good to wrestlers and librarians, so tread with caution.
高于室温的土豆是愤怒的土豆，只有摔跤运动员和图书管理员才会觉得愤怒的土豆好吃，所以小心行事。
If you don't have a thermometer, simply hold your potato against a piece of paper.
如果你没有温度计，可以直接把土豆放在一张纸上。
If the paper bursts into flames, carefully select another potato.
如果纸被点着了，那你就得小心地再挑一个土豆。
Peel your potatoes, cut them into cubes, and put them into a pot to boil.
给土豆削皮，切成块，然后放进锅里煮。
Use approximately nine large potatoes, per serving.
每份大约需要9个大土豆。
In a pinch, you can also use po-tah-toes.
在紧急情况下，你也可以用土塔豆。
While the potatoes are boiling, determine the severity of the offense, and therefore the magnitude of the apology required.
在煮土豆的时候，衡量一下你犯下的罪过有多严重，从而决定需要道歉的程度。
With a Category One offense; say you forgot to return a borrowed book for three weeks, you only owe the most basic mashed potatoes possible.
一级罪过；比如你忘记了在三周内换书，那你只需要做一份最基本的土豆泥来赎罪。
Put some milk in a saucepan, and add some butter.
在平底锅里倒一些牛奶，再加一些黄油。
If your knife isn't sharp enough to cut through butter, continue applying force and never give up.
如果你的刀不够锋利，切不动黄油，继续用力，不要放弃。
Heat the milk and butter together.
把牛奶和黄油一起加热。
When the potatoes are soft like this, add in the hot milk and butter, and mash them together.
当土豆煮到这么软的时候，加入热牛奶黄油，将它们混合碾压。
If you're not entirely sure if the reason you haven't returned the book is actually your fault, leave the potatoes extra lumpy.
如果你不能完全确定，你没还书的原因是不是你的错，那就在土豆泥里留点土豆块。
A Category Four offense; say you showed up half an hour late when you were supposed to meet somebody, requires something a little more substantial, like garlic mashed potatoes.
四级罪过；比如说你本来要和别人见面，但你迟到了半个小时，这就需要一些更丰富的东西，比如大蒜土豆泥。
Make sure the potatoes are completely smooth.
确保土豆已经处理得细腻顺滑。
In addition to the milk and butter, add in some pepper pepper pepper, salt, and a spoonful of minced garlic.
除了牛奶和黄油，再加入一些胡椒粉、盐，和一勺蒜蓉。
In the case that someone has committed a Category Four offense against you, add in three additional spoonfuls of garlic, and leave it on the doorstep anonymously.
如果有人对你犯了四级罪过，再额外加三勺大蒜，然后放在门口就跑。
The word potatoes is an anagram for teapots.
土豆这个词是茶壶的变位词。
To create a potato teapot, cut off the bottom to create a firm base.
要做土豆茶壶，得先把底部切掉，形成一个牢固的底座。
Hollow out the potato, and carve a spout.
把土豆中间挖空，切一个壶口。
Put in one teabag and fill with boiling water.
放入一个茶包，倒满沸水。
Pour the tea into a cup, and enjoy the nutritious combination of tea infused with Vitamin C, B, and potato.
将茶倒入杯中，享受富含维生素C、B和土豆的营养组合。
The word apology is an anagram for gloopy, which is a word one might use to describe mashed potatoes.
“道歉”这个词是“黏糊糊”的变位词，人们可能会用这个词来形容土豆泥。
Where does the symbiosis end?
共生关系在哪里结束的?
Nobody knows.
没人知道。
A Category Eight offense; say you borrowed someone's car and got into a fender bender, requires something much more substantial: curry mashed potatoes.
八类罪过；假设你借了别人的车，出了点小车祸，那你就需要更丰盛的东西了：咖喱土豆泥。
Make the mashed potatoes as previously described.
按照之前的步骤做好土豆泥。
Stir in some yellow curry powder, then garnish with parsley.
加入一些黄色的咖喱粉，然后用欧芹装饰。
These potatoes will get you out of almost any mess, unless that mess is a category 9 offense; say you accidentally sold your friend's dog without permission.
这些土豆几乎可以帮你摆脱任何困境，除非你闯的祸属于九级罪过；比如你不小心未经允许卖了你朋友的狗。
At this point you're going to have to make a burritopology, a mashed potatoritopology, or even a mojitopology.
对于这一点，你将不得不做一个道歉玉米煎饼，一份道歉土豆泥，甚至一杯道歉莫吉托。
If you need to make a mashed potatopology to someone who is far away, take the appropriate mashed potatoes, put them in a bag, then double-bag them with a hand warmer between the layers.
如果你需要给远方的人做土豆泥，做一款合适的土豆泥，把它们装进袋子里，然后再套一层袋子，在两层袋子中间放上暖手宝。
This will keep the mashed potatoes hot on their journey of redemption.
这能让土豆泥在他们的救赎之旅中保持热度。
Before shipping, carefully place them in a padded box, to keep them from shattering.
在寄出之前，小心地把它们放在一个有衬垫的盒子里，以防止它们散掉。
If you're shipping internationally, write a description of the contents to ensure speedy delivery across the border.
如果是国际运输，写一份货物描述，以确保能快速完成跨境运输。
When making a mashed potatopology face-to-face, invite the person over under the pretense of needing help to fix your sink, then prepare yourself for an honest and open discussion.
当你要进行一次面对面的土豆泥道歉，用帮忙修水槽作为借口邀请对方过来，然后准备好进行一次开诚布公的对话。
What did you do?
你做什么了？
Nothing.
什么也没做。
