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Welcome to The Tonight Show. My name is Jimmy Fallon. Let's get to the news and jokes.
欢迎来到今夜秀，我是吉米，来看看今天的新闻和笑话。
Well, guys, this weekend, in between rounds of golf at his private country club in New Jersey,
伙计们，这个周末，在小特在新泽西州私人乡村俱乐部打高尔夫期间，
President Trump decided to take coronavirus financial aid into his own hands. Listen to this.
他决定将冠状病毒的财政援助掌握在自己手中，听听。
President Trump spent the weekend at his golf resort in New Jersey.
特朗普总统周末在新泽西州的高尔夫度假村度过。
He signed a series of executive orders, billed as an end run around the gridlocked Congress.
他签署了一系列行政命令，被认为可以避开陷入僵局的国会。
Yeah. Just so we're all clear, during a historic pandemic that has crippled the economy,
是啊。我们都很清楚，在一场历史性的疫情导致经济瘫痪的时候，
the President of the United States signed four executive orders to help the unemployed from his private country club.
美国总统签署了四项行政命令，帮助私人乡村俱乐部的失业者。
Even Marie Antoinette was like, Come on, man, read the room. I mean, this is...
就连玛丽·安托瓦内特都在说，来吧，伙计，有点眼力界吧，我的意思是....
Seriously. It's not a great look when you're talking about mass unemployment and a waiter passes by, like, Crab puff?
说真的，其实这样并不好看，尤其是当你谈论大量失业时，一名服务员过来对你说，要蟹粉吗？
Next, Trump plans to unveil a new stimulus bill from a sauna at Mar-A-Lago.
下一则新闻，特朗普计划在海湖庄园的桑拿浴室里公布新的刺激法案。
I'm pretty sure this is the first time in history an executive order was signed with a tiny golf pencil.
我敢肯定这是历史上第一次用一支小小的高尔夫铅笔签署行政命令。
Americans were worried when the executive orders started with, From the creators of the President's coronavirus response plan...
当总统冠状病毒应对计划的创造者们发布行政命令时，美国人很担心。
Yeah, Trump conducted a lot of presidential business from his private country club this weekend.
是啊，特朗普这个周末在他的私人乡村俱乐部做了很多总统事务。
He even held a press conference with some club members in attendance.
他甚至召开了一个记者招待会，一些俱乐部成员出席了会议。
I'm sure they all wore masks and watched from a distance to ensure Trump's safety. Can we see a photo? Oh, God. Well, perfect.
我相信他们都戴着口罩，从远处看着，以确保特朗普的安全。我们能看看照片吗？哦，上帝。好吧，太好了。
Cause if there's any barrier the virus can't penetrate, it's loosely arranged bamboo chairs.
因为如果有病毒无法穿透的屏障，那就是松散的竹椅。
They all look like they're modeling J.Crew's new dad paunch collection.
它们看起来就像为J.Crew服装店的新爸爸大肚系列服装当模特。
Trump was like, Wow. What a diverse crowd we have here today. There's rich white guys in Polos of every color.
小特好似在说哦，今天来的人真的是什么人都有，有钱的白人穿着各种颜色的马球衫。
Meanwhile, these guys were like, This is crazy. One minute, I'm back taking a leak behind the 15th hole, next, I'm witnessing a presidential press conference!
与此同时，这些人好像在说，这太疯狂了。前一分钟，我还在15洞后面撒尿，下一分钟我就参加了总统的新闻发布会！
Well, it's not just the coronavirus taking up Trump's time. There are other issues he's dealing with.
好吧，不仅仅是冠状病毒占用了特朗普的时间。他还在处理其他问题。
Of course, I'm talking about a new report said Trump asked about adding his face to Mount Rushmore.
当然，我指的是一份新的报道，说小特要求将他的脸放在拉什莫尔山。
Yeah, apparently, Trump said it was his dream to have his face added.
是的，很显然，特朗普说他的梦想是把他加上。
Yeah, that's sort of like Dr. Fauci saying it's his dream to play center for the Los Angeles Lakers.
是的，这有点像福奇博士说他梦想在洛杉矶湖人队打中锋一样。
It turns out a fifth President can't be added to Mount Rushmore cause the rocks around it are unstable.
事实证明，拉什莫尔山不能再增加第五任总统，因为周围的岩石不稳定。
Actually, the more I think about it, having something unstable means he's already a part of Mount Rushmore, yeah.
事实上，然后我又想了一下，不稳定是因为小特的雕像已经在山上了，嗯嗯。
Trump was like, If Mount Rushmore doesn't work, you can carve my face into one of the mountains at the beautiful Yo-semite National Park.
特朗普说，如果拉什莫尔山不行，你可以把我的脸刻进美丽的尤赛米特国家公园的一座山上。
I think Trump's wasting his time with Mount Rushmore.
我认为在拉什莫尔山问题上，小特在浪费时间。
If he wants something carved into rock that looks like him, the orange hue of the Grand Canyon is a much better option.
如果他想在岩石上刻上像他一样的东西，大峡谷的橙色是一个更好的选择。
Well, get this...a jeweler says he's making the world's most expensive face mask, encrusted with gold and diamonds, at the price of $1.5 million.
好吧，看看这个……一个珠宝商说他正在制造世界上最贵的口罩，镶有黄金和钻石，售价150万美元。
Take a look at this. This is real. Yeah. It's perfect if you want both pro and anti-mask people to hate you.
看看这个。这是真的。是啊，这个可以让专业人士和反对戴口罩的人讨厌你。
Meanwhile, I feel like an idiot because I just spent a million dollars on a face mask made of crystals, and now it looks cheap.
同时，我觉得自己像个白痴，因为我刚花了一百万买了一个水晶面膜，现在看起来很便宜。
Well, maybe the mask is a good idea, though. It's a great way to tell everyone, I'm smart about health but dumb about everything else.
嗯，也许口罩是个好主意。用这种方式告诉大家，我在健康问题上很有一套，但在其他问题上一窍不通。
Let's get to entertainment news. Well, guys, yesterday was the start of Shark Week on Discovery Channel. Whoo! Yeah.
我们来看看娱乐新闻吧。伙计们，昨天是探索频道鲨鱼周的开始。喔！是啊。
I hate to be a downer, but sharks are way down the list of scary things right now for me.
我不想让人沮丧，但对我来说，鲨鱼不是我最害怕的事情。
I mean, seriously, right now, walking into a CVS is scarier than Shark Week.
我是说，说真的，比起鲨鱼周，走进CVS药店更让我害怕。
I'm not kidding. At this point, it's safer to swim around the Atlantic dressed like a seal than it is to go to Applebee's.
我不是开玩笑。在这一点上，穿得像海豹一样在大西洋上游弋要比去Applebee's餐厅更安全。
The only thing scarier than a school of sharks is a school. Ah! Nice!
比一群鲨鱼更可怕的事情是一群，哦，不错。
Things are so crazy, sharks are now looking at the crowded beaches like, It is not safe out there.
事情太疯狂了，鲨鱼们现在看着拥挤的海滩，然后说，那里不安全。
Well, finally, I saw that 7-Eleven is introducing a new line of never-frozen pastries, baked fresh in stores nationally.
好吧，最后，我看到7-11正在推出一种新的永不冷冻糕点系列，在全国各大商店现做现卖。
Yep. Now their goods are freshly baked, just like the kid working behind the counter.
是的。现在他们的货物都是新鲜出炉的，就像在柜台后面工作的孩子一样。
Meanwhile, the taquitos on the rotating grill are like, Oh, you think you're better than me?
同时，旋转烤架上的塔基多好似在说，哦，你觉得你比我强？
Yep. Fresh pastries and burned coffee. They're just one rubbery egg away from being Starbucks.
是的。新鲜的糕点和烧焦的咖啡。他们离星巴克只差一个橡皮蛋。
