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Thank you so much for the love. I feel like the last bottle of Purell at CVS. I really do.
谢谢大家的爱，我感觉像是CVS药房的最后一瓶普瑞来。
I'm in a great mood. It's Friday. The weekend is here.
我的心情很好，今天是周五，周末来了。
I'm excited to meet up with a bunch of friends and get no closer than 50 feet to any of them. I really can't wait.
很高兴又将见到很多朋友，但和他们的距离要保持50英尺以外，我无法等待。
Let's get to some news here, you guys. These are crazy times. I hope you're all doing well.
来看看一些新闻，朋友们，现在是疯狂的时代，我希望你们一切都好。
Today, President Trump visited the CDC headquarters. When Trump got there,
今天特朗普总统拜访了疾控中心总部，当小特抵达时，
he was immediately bummed after realizing CDC doesn't stand for Centers for Diet Coke. You've got to be kidding me.
他感到极度沮丧，因为CDC的意思不是健怡可口可乐中心，你一定是开玩笑。
That's right. Trump went to the CDC for the latest update on the coronavirus. Yep, Trump listened very closely to the top experts,
没错，小特去了疾控中心，了解新冠疫情的最新进展，没错，小特靠很近来聆听顶级专家的说话。
so later on he could completely contradict everything they said.
这样他之后就可以完全说和他们相反的话。
But while he was there, Trump told the doctors he appreciated their hard work and spent all of last nigh monitoring their progress.
但是当他在疾控中心时，小特告诉医生他对他们的努力工作表示赞赏，并花了昨晚一个晚上来监督他们的进展。
Then his staff was like, Sir, that was an episode of 'Grey's Anatomy.' I'm actually kind of surprised they got Trump to go
然后他的工作人员说，先生，你看的是《实习医生格蕾》，让我惊讶的是，他们竟然让小特去疾控中心，
since he's a self-described germophobe. Trump to the CDC, that's like taking Mike Pence to the set of Queer Eye. This is Jonathan..
因为他自称自己是洁癖症，小特去疾控中心，这就好比让彭斯去《粉雄救兵》的场景中，这是乔纳森。
Meanwhile, I saw that Mike Pence was visiting areas affected by the coronavirus,
与此同时，听说彭斯去了疫情受灾地区。
and he greeted local officials with elbow bumps instead of handshakes.
他和当地官员没有握手，而是撞肘问候。
Elbow bumps, or as Pence calls that, getting to third base. Don't tell my wife. All right.
撞肘，或者如彭斯自己说的，做一些不好的事情...不要告诉妻子，好吧。
Because of the coronavirus people are stocking up on supplies, and shelves are now empty at stores like Costco, Walmart, and CVS.
因为疫情，很多人开始囤积物品，像开市客，沃尔玛和CVS药店的货架都空了。
It's weird. There's a contagious virus going around, and now we go to stores instead of ordering on Amazon.
很奇怪，病毒在四处传播，我们现在倒是老去超市，而不是在亚马逊上订购了。
People are so concerned abou the coronavirus that some shop on Amazon are selling bottle of Purell for as much as $350. Ooh.
人们很担忧这种病毒，以至于一些在亚马逊的电商销售的普瑞来高达350美元，哦哦。
It's crazy. But I don't think Purell is too upset about it. Check out this ad that they just put out.
很疯狂对吧，但是我不认为普瑞来对此很担忧，看看他们刚刚推出的广告。
At Purell, we're all about keeping your hands clean. Kind of like how we're cleaning up at the bank, son. Make it rain?
普瑞来的产品致力于让你的手更清洁，很像我们在银行的清洁方法，天女散花？
More like making squirt. We're ridin' the germ trai all the way to cash city!
更像是喷射器，我们擅长将病菌请扫到钞票里面。
We don't even need to make ads anymore! You know how they bumped back the new James Bond movie?
我们甚至不需要制作广告，知道新詹姆斯电影是如何回到观众视野的吗？
Well, we bought the new James Bond movie. And here's the whole thing right now! Hell yeah!
其实我们购买了新詹姆斯邦德电影，这就是事情的梗概，哦哦。
That cost $250 million! Purell. Please don't switch to soap. Yeah, isn't that interesting? Wow. Wow.
这花费了2.5亿美元呢，普瑞来，不要再选择肥皂了，没错，挺有趣的对吗？哦哦。
Well, this is going viral. Yesterday, after Elizabeth Warren dropped out of the race, her dog, Bailey,
这个事情也很火爆，昨天就在沃伦退出竞选之后，她的狗贝利
stole someone's burrito at her campaign headquarters. Check this out.
在竞选总部偷了某人的墨西哥卷，看看。
Bailey stole it! Aww. Just when Warren thought her day couldn't get any worse, she had to clean up burrito dog crap all day.
贝利偷的！哦哦，就在沃伦觉得这一天不可能更糟糕时，她还需要一整天打扫玉米卷饼狗屎。
Get this. I read that Bernie Sanders' older brother has been helping his campaign.
听听这个，听说桑德斯的老哥哥一直在帮他竞选。
And right now a lot of you are thinking, Wait. Bernie Sanders has an OLDER brother? Who is it? Zeus?
你们大多数人肯定在想，等一下，桑德斯还有老哥哥吗？谁啊？宙斯吗？
Bernie and his brother apparently try and speak on the phone every Sunday. Here's how that conversation goes.
伯尼和他的哥哥显然会在每周日尝试打电话，看看他们的对话。
What?! What?! What?! I'm hanging up! What?! In other news, this weekend is daylight saving time and...
啥？啥？啥？我挂了！啥？其他新闻，本周末将迎来夏令时...
You know what that sound means. It's time for something you didn't expect to hear today.
你知道这个声音代表啥意思吗，又到了你不想去听的时间了。
So, William Shatner, distinguished actor, has reportedly been awarded horse semen as part of his divorce settlement.
著名男演员威廉·夏特纳，有报道称根据他的离婚协议，他将获得马精液。
Some sports news. Some sports news. This isn't good.
一些体育新闻，一些体育新闻，这个不太好。
A member of the New York Jet was arrested for trying to board a plane at LaGuardi with a handgun.
纽约喷气机队的一名队员被逮捕了，因为他试图携带手枪在拉瓜迪亚机场登机。
Luckily, when the cops realize he played for the Jets and was flying from LaGuardia,
幸运的是，当警察发现他是喷气机队的，而且是从拉瓜迪亚飞来的，
they were like, This man has suffered enough. You're free to go.
他们就说，这个男人遭受了太多了，你走吧。
And, finally, I read that ESPN is offering Peyton Manning $20 million a year to be a broadcaster on Monday Night Football.
最后，听说ESPN体育频道向佩顿·曼宁开出了一年2000万美元的价码，让他担任《周一足球之夜》主持人。
Yeah, $20 million. When he heard that, Peyton told Nationwide.
没错，两千万美元，当他听到此消息时，佩顿告诉了Nationwide保险公司。
I quit, y'all can go to hell. We have a great show.
我退出了，你们都去见鬼吧，今晚的节目很精彩。
