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You know this. So, I could tell you a lot about shame, but I'd have to borrow everyone else's time.
你知道这个（结果）。我能告诉你关于耻辱的很多东西，但那样我就得占用别人的时间了。
But here's what I can tell you that it boils down to -- and this may be one of the most important things that I've ever learned in the decade of doing this research.
但我在这儿可以告诉你，归根到底--这也许是我在从事研究的数十年中学到的最重要的东西。
My one year turned into six years: Thousands of stories, hundreds of long interviews, focus groups.
我预计的一年变成了六年，成千上万的故事，成百上千个采访，焦点集中。
At one point, people were sending me journal pages and sending me their stories -- thousands of pieces of data in six years.
有时人们发给我期刊报道，发给我他们的故事--不计其数的数据，就在这六年中。
And I kind of got a handle on it. I kind of understood, this is what shame is, this is how it works.
我大概掌握了它。我大概理解了这就是耻辱，这就是它的运作方式。
I wrote a book, I published a theory, but something was not okay --
我写了本书，我出版了一个理论，但总觉得哪里不对劲--
and what it was is that, if I roughly took the people I interviewed and divided them into people who really have a sense of worthiness --
它其实是，如果我粗略地把我采访过的人分成具有自我价值感的人--
that's what this comes down to, a sense of worthiness -- they have a strong sense of love and belonging --
说到底就是自我价值感--他们勇于去爱并且拥有强烈的归属感--
and folks who struggle for it, and folks who are always wondering if they're good enough.
另一部分则是为之苦苦挣扎的人，总是怀疑自己是否足够好的人。
There was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggle for it.
区分那些敢于去爱并拥有强烈归属感的人，和那些为之而苦苦挣扎的人的变量只有一个。
And that was, the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they're worthy of love and belonging. That's it.
那就是，那些敢于去爱并拥有强烈归属感的人，相信他们值得被爱，值得享有归属感。就这么简单。
They believe they're worthy. And to me, the hard part of the one thing that keeps us out of connection is our fear that we're not worthy of connection,
他们相信自己的价值。而对于我，那个阻碍人与人之间关系的最困难的部分，是我们对于自己不值得享有这种关系的恐惧，
was something that, personally and professionally, I felt like I needed to understand better.
无论从个人，还是职业上，我都觉得我有必要去更深入地了解它。
So what I did is I took all of the interviews where I saw worthiness, where I saw people living that way, and just looked at those.
所以接下来，我找出所有的采访记录，找出那些体现自我价值的，那些持有这种观念的记录，集中研究它们。
