评论
打印
Guys, I heard that the TV ratings for Trump's rallies have gone down.
朋友们，听说关于小特集会的电视收视率在下降。
People are saying his rallies are like Pirates of the Caribbean movies.
人们说他的集会像《加勒比海盗》电影。
They're wild and new at first, then you realize they're all exactly the same. Anyway...
刚开始很劲爆，很新潮，但你发现之后都是一样的，不管怎样吧。
Boring. But the midterm elections are under a month away,
太没劲了，中期选举还有一个月就开始了，
and Trump's campaign is selling football jerseys that say Stand Up for America.
小特的团队销售印有“支持美国”的足球运动衫。
Yeah, the outside says, Stand Up for America, while the inside says, Made in China. Really?
没错，外面写着“支持美国”，但里面写着“中国制造”，真的吗？
Check this out. I heard that Trump keeps a printed list of his accomplishments
听听这个，听说小特有一张打印的成就单，
that he shows to reporters to get them to write positive things about him.
他将成就单展示给记者，让他们写点小特的正能量文章。
He does. It has 58 bullet points, and we actually got our hands on it. Take a look at this.
他确实这么做了，一共有58个要点，我们得到了这份名单，来看看。
Appointed two Supreme Court justices. Increased military spending.
任命了两名最高法院法官，增加军费开支。
Lowered taxes for millionaires. Fired Michael Flynn. Fired Sally Yates. Fired James Comey.
为百万富翁降低税费，解雇迈克尔·弗林，解雇莎莉·耶慈，解雇詹姆斯·科米。
Fired Reince Priebus. Fired Steve Bannon. Fired Rex Tillerson. Fired David Shulkin.
解雇雷恩斯·普利巴斯，解雇史蒂夫·班农，解雇雷克斯·蒂勒森，解雇大卫·舒尔金。
Hired Anthony Scaramucci. Fired Anthony Scaramucci. Fired H.R. McMaster. Fired Andrew McCabe.
雇佣安东尼·斯卡拉穆奇律师，解雇安东尼·斯卡拉穆奇律师，解雇麦克马斯特，解雇安德鲁·麦凯布。
Fired Omarosa. All right. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it.
解雇欧玛罗莎，好了，我知道了，知道了，知道了。
He hired Scaramucci. Yeah, then he fired him.
他雇佣了斯卡拉穆奇，之后又解雇了。
Oh, this week, former New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg switched his voter registration and became a Democrat.
本周，前纽约市长迈克尔·布隆伯格变更了选民登记，摇身一变成了共和党人。
When asked him what made him change parties, Bloomberg said Kanye.
当被问及变更党派的原因时，他说是因为坎耶。
Speaking of New York, there's a hospital here in the city that keeps a Spotify playlist
说到纽约，纽约一家医院的Spotify音乐平台歌单中
full of songs with beats that match up with CPR compressions.
都是一些可以和心脏复苏节奏相一致的音乐。
Cause when you're having a heart attack, who doesn't want to hear their doctor say,
因为当你犯心脏病时，谁不想听医生说，
So what do you think, Drake or Migos? Sorry, we weren't talking about you.
你觉得德雷克好还是米格斯说唱组合好？对不起，我们没有谈论你。
Oops, I put on...Sorry, you're dead.
哦哦，对不起你死了。
Get this, a cheating scandal has rocked the world of wine tasting. What?!
听听这个，作弊丑闻震惊了整个品酒业，什么？
Please, don't leave the room. This is a true... That's right. It's rocked the world of wine tasting.
不要离开房间，这是真的，没错，震惊了全球品酒业。
A cheating scandal came out that some tasters were given the answers to an exam.
作弊丑闻爆出，许多品酒人的考试答案都是抄袭得来的。
The wine tasters say that they are embarrassed, a little humiliated, and there's a hint of shame.
品酒人说他们尴尬了，感觉有点丢人，略感羞愧。
Long walk. Long walk. It was worth it when we got there, wasn't it? Come on.
不容易啊，很长的路，但最后还是挺值得，不是吗？
The longest joke of the night. Yeah. Little taste of shame there. Ooh, shame. Yeah.
这是今晚最长的笑话，没错，尝到了一点点羞愧，羞愧。
You guys, the news is so crazy lately, sometimes it almost feels like someone blended a bunch of stories together.
朋友们，近期的新闻太疯狂了，感觉像是有人将一大堆故事捆绑在一起一样。
So we thought, what if we took some real headlines and blended them together?
所以我们想，如果将一些真实的标题混在一起，那会是什么样的？
Would the news stories be any crazier than the actual news? Let's find out.
这些新标题会不会比实际新闻更劲爆？我们来看看。
If you blend the stories Kanye and Kid Rock Reveal Music Bill, 'Time' Honors 23andMe DNA Test,
如果将“坎耶和摇滚小子公布音乐法案”，“《时代周刊》纪念23andMe基因检测”，
and Funky White Sister Surprised to Attend AMAs,
以及“放克音乐人白姐姐惊讶出席全美音乐奖”，
you get Surprise! DNA Test Reveals Kid Rock is Kanye's Funky White Sister. You see what I'm saying?
捆在一起之后是“惊讶！基因检测结果是摇滚小子是坎耶的白姐姐”，懂我意思了吗？
Yeah, that's just crazy. A little bit crazier than...Just a tiny bit.
太疯狂了，这比那个还疯狂，一点点。
Next up, if you blend the stories Celebrity Couple Gets Matching Tattoos,
下一个是，如果将“明星夫妻纹情侣纹身”，
Nicki Minaj Faces Lawsuit and Very High Ticket Prices for Bill and Hillary Clinton's Tour,
“妮琪·米娜惹上官司”和“克林顿夫妇旅行的高额票价”捆绑在一起，
you get Very High Bill and Hillary Clinton Get Matching Face Tattoos of Nicki Minaj.
你得到的结果是“高个子的克林顿夫妇纹了印有妮琪·米娜的纹身”。
Here's the last one. If you blend the stories Yellowstone Geyser Erupts Trash,
最后一个是，如果将“黄石间歇泉喷涌垃圾”，
Stock Market Down, Trump Reacts, and Natty Light Selling 77-Can Pack,
“股票市场下跌，小特采取行动”和“自然之光啤酒销售77罐一排的啤酒”连在一起，
you get Trump Down 77 Pack of Natty Light, Erupts Yellow Geyser in Trash Can.
结果将是“小特喝了77排自然之光啤酒，垃圾桶喷涌了黄色间歇泉”。
You see what I'm saying? A little bit.
懂了吗？一点点。
