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What are you doing on this stage in front of all these people? Run! Run now.
你站在这个舞台上做什么？还当着这么多人的面？快逃！马上逃跑！
That's the voice of my anxiety talking.
这是我内心的紧张情绪在说话。
Even when there's absolutely nothing wrong,
即便一切都进行得很顺利，
I sometimes get this overwhelming sense of doom, like danger is lurking just around the corner.
我也经常会有这种巨大的挫败感，总觉得危险无处不在。
You see, a few years ago, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety and depression -- two conditions that often go hand in hand.
几年前，我被诊断出患有焦虑症和抑郁症--这两种疾病经常会同时发生。
Now, there was a time I wouldn't have told anybody, especially not in front of a big audience.
这段经历我本不愿跟任何人分享，尤其是当着这么多人的面。
As a black woman, I've had to develop extraordinary resilience to succeed.
作为一名黑人女性，我必须有极强的适应能力才能取得成功。
And like most people in my community, I had the misconception that depression was a sign of weakness, a character flaw.
如同我社区中的大部分人一样，我误以为抑郁症是软弱的表现，是一种人格缺陷。
But I wasn't weak; I was a high achiever.
但我并不软弱，我还蛮成功的。
I'd earned a Master's degree in Media Studies and had a string of high-profile jobs in the film and television industries.
我获得了媒体研究的硕士学位，在电影和电视行业有一系列不错的履历。
I'd even won two Emmy Awards for my hard work.
我的出色表现还让我获得了两次艾美奖。
Sure, I was totally spent, I lacked interest in things I used to enjoy, barely ate,
没错，我感到精疲力尽，我对之前喜欢的事情丧失了兴趣，茶饭不思，
struggled with insomnia and felt isolated and depleted. But depressed? No, not me.
被失眠所困扰，觉得孤单和消沉。但是抑郁症？跟我没什么关系吧。
It took weeks before I could admit it, but the doctor was right: I was depressed.
过了好几周我才承认，医生是对的，我的确抑郁了。
Still, I didn't tell anybody about my diagnosis. I was too ashamed.
但我仍然没有告诉任何人。我觉得羞愧难当。
I didn't think I had the right to be depressed.
我从没想过我也有抑郁的权利。
I had a privileged life with a loving family and a successful career.
我生活条件优越，家庭幸福，事业有成。
And when I thought about the unspeakable horrors that my ancestors had been through in this country so that I could have it better,
尤其当我想到，正因为我的祖先们在这个国家遭受到那些无法描述的苦难，所以我才能过得好一些，
my shame grew even deeper. I was standing on their shoulders. How could I let them down?
我就越发感到愧疚。我是站在他们肩膀上的。我怎么能让他们失望呢？
I would hold my head up, put a smile on my face and never tell a soul.
我只能昂起头，面带微笑，不对任何人说。
On July 4, 2013, my world came crashing in on me.
2013年7月4日，我的世界彻底崩溃了。
That was the day I got a phone call from my mom telling me that my 22-year-old nephew, Paul,
我接到母亲的电话，说我22岁的侄子，保罗，
had ended his life, after years of battling depression and anxiety.
在与焦虑症和抑郁症抗争多年之后，结束了自己的生命。
There are no words that can describe the devastation I felt.
没有语言足以形容我的绝望。
Paul and I were very close, but I had no idea he was in so much pain.
我跟保罗很亲密，但我从来不知道他遭受着如此大的痛苦。
Neither one of us had ever talked to the other about our struggles. The shame and stigma kept us both silent.
我们也从未跟对方提起过自己的挣扎与抗争。羞愧与耻辱感让我俩都保持沉默。
Now, my way of dealing with adversity is to face it head on,
现在，我应对逆境的方式就是昂首向前，
so I spent the next two years researching depression and anxiety, and what I found was mind-blowing.
接下来我花了两年时间来研究抑郁症和焦虑症，而结果让我大吃一惊。
The World Health Organization reports that depression is the leading cause of sickness and disability in the world.
根据世界卫生组织的报告，抑郁症是在世界范围内导致疾病和伤残最主要的原因。
While the exact cause of depression isn't clear, research suggests that most mental disorders develop,
导致抑郁症的准确原因尚不清楚，研究显示，大部分精神疾病的发生，
at least in part, because of a chemical imbalance in the brain, and/or an underlying genetic predisposition.
至少有一部分原因，是因为大脑化学物质的不平衡，以及/或者潜在的遗传易感性。
So you can't just shake it off.
因此你无法根除它。
For black Americans, stressors like racism and socioeconomic disparities
对于美国黑人而言，来自种族歧视和社会经济差异上的压力，
put them at a 20 percent greater risk of developing a mental disorder,
使他们患上心理疾病的几率要高20%，
yet they seek mental health services at about half the rate of white Americans.
然而他们寻求心理治疗的比例仅仅达到美国白人的一半左右。
One reason is the stigma, with 63 percent of black Americans mistaking depression for a weakness.
原因之一就是感到羞耻，有63%的美国黑人将抑郁症误认为是软弱的表现。
Sadly, the suicide rate among black children has doubled in the past 20 years.
令人悲伤的是，黑人儿童的自杀率在过去20年里增加了一倍。
Now, here's the good news:
当然，也有好消息：
seventy percent of people struggling with depression will improve with therapy, treatment and medication.
受到抑郁症困扰的人，在治疗和药物的帮助下，有70%情况会有所好转。
Armed with this information, I made a decision: I wasn't going to be silent anymore.
掌握了这些信息后，我做出了一个决定：我不会再沉默下去。
With my family's blessing, I would share our story in hopes of sparking a national conversation.
有家人的祝福，我要把我们的故事分享出去，希望能引发一场全国性的大讨论。
A friend, Kelly Pierre-Louis, said, "Being strong is killing us." She's right.
我的一个朋友，凯丽·皮埃尔-露易丝说，“逞强在毁掉我们。”她说的没错。
We have got to retire those tired, old narratives of the strong black woman and the super-masculine black man,
我们要摈弃那些老旧过时的叙述，比如坚强的黑人女性，无比阳刚的黑人男性，
who, no matter how many times they get knocked down, just shake it off and soldier on.
他们无论被击倒多少次，都会爬起来，拍拍灰，继续前进。
Having feelings isn't a sign of weakness. Feelings mean we're human.
感情丰富并不是软弱的标志。那意味着我们还有人性。
And when we deny our humanity, it leaves us feeling empty inside,
如果我们连自己的人性都否定了，那就成了空心人，
searching for ways to self-medicate in order to fill the void. My drug was high achievement.
终日寻找自我治疗的良药，填补内心的空白。我的良药就是巨大的成功。
These days, I share my story openly, and I ask others to share theirs, too.
这些天来，我公开分享自己的故事，我也鼓励大家分享自己的。
I believe that's what it takes to help people who may be suffering in silence
我坚信必须这么做才能帮助那些在沉默中忍受痛苦的人们，
to know that they are not alone and to know that with help, they can heal.
让他们知道自己并不孤独，让他们相信自己需要帮助，是可以被治愈的。
Now, I still have my struggles, particularly with the anxiety,
现在我依然在遭受痛苦，主要还是焦虑症，
but I'm able to manage it through daily mediation, yoga and a relatively healthy diet.
但我可以控制它，通过每天服药，练瑜伽以及“相对健康的”饮食。
If I feel like things are starting to spiral, I make an appointment to see my therapist,
一旦我感觉自己状态不好了，我就会约我的治疗师见面，
a dynamic black woman named Dawn Armstrong, who has a great sense of humor and a familiarity that I find comforting.
她是一位充满活力的黑人女性，叫道恩·阿姆斯特朗，她很幽默，很亲切，让我感到安心。
I will always regret that I couldn't be there for my nephew.
我一直非常后悔没有能为我侄子做些什么。
But my sincerest hope is that I can inspire others with the lesson that I've learned.
但我真诚地希望能让大家吸取我的教训。
Life is beautiful. Sometimes it's messy, and it's always unpredictable.
生命是美丽的。有时候也会不顺利，永远充满未知。
But it will all be OK when you have your support system to help you through it.
但一切都会好起来的，只要拥有能帮助到你的体制。
I hope that if your burden gets too heavy, you'll ask for a hand, too. Thank you.
希望你们在撑不住的时候，也会去寻求帮助。谢谢大家。
