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So now people say, "You take these happy pills, and do you feel happy?"
现在人们会问：你吃了这些快乐丸(指抗抑郁药),你快乐么
And I don't.
不
But I don't feel sad about having to eat lunch,
但是我不会因为要吃饭而不开心
and I don't feel sad about my answering machine,
不会因为要回电话而不开心
and I don't feel sad about taking a shower.
不会因为要洗澡而感到不开心
I feel more, in fact, I think, because I can feel sadness without nullity.
事实上我觉得自己的感受比以前更多，因为我现在能够体会到悲伤, 但是不会感到虚无
I feel sad about professional disappointments, about damaged relationships, about global warming.
我会因为工作上的不如意而悲伤，会因为破碎的爱情悲伤，会因为全球变暖而悲伤
Those are the things that I feel sad about now.
这些是我当下能够体会到的悲伤
And I said to myself, well, what is the conclusion?
最后我问自己, "结论是什么呢?"
How did those people who have better lives even with bigger depression manage to get through?
为什么有些人的生活条件更好却需要去战胜更严重的抑郁?
What is the mechanism of resilience?
又为什么我们能够康复?
And what I came up with over time was that the people who deny their experience,
我总是一次次地遇见抑郁之后的康复者不愿意接受这段经历
the ones who say, "I was depressed a long time ago and I never want to think about it again
他们会说, "我很久之前抑郁过，我再也不想回忆那段时光了
and I'm not going to look at it and I'm just going to get on with my life,"
我也不会再去分析它，我只希望继续自己当下的生活
Ironically, those are the people who are most enslaved by what they have.
讽刺的是，恰恰是这些人最容易被他们过往经历的纠缠不放
Shutting out the depression strengthens it.
回避抑郁只会让它更凶猛
While you hide from it, it grows.
你越躲，它越强
And the people who do better are the ones who are able to tolerate the fact
而另外一些人他们承认并接纳自己有抑郁这个事实
that they have this condition.
他们表现得更好一些
Those who can tolerate their depression are the ones who achieve resilience.
能够接纳自己抑郁的人最终会康复起来
So Frank Russakoff said to me,
弗兰克对我说
"If I had it again to do over, I suppose I wouldn't do it this way,
如果一切重新来过，那么我可能会换种处理方式
but in a strange way, I'm grateful for what I've experienced.
但是很奇怪地，我很感激我经历过的一切
I'm glad to have been in the hospital 40 times.
我很高兴住了40次医院
It taught me so much about love,
这段经历让我深刻的理解了什么是爱
and my relationship with my parents and my doctors has been so precious to me, and will be always."
我的爱人，我的父母，以及我的医生，这对我而言都是巨大的恩赐，过去是，将来也是.
And Maggie Robbins said,
玛吉·罗宾斯说
"I used to volunteer in an AIDS clinic,
我在艾滋诊所做过志愿者，
and I would just talk and talk and talk,
我跟自己负责的病人不断的说话，
and the people I was dealing with weren't very responsive, and I thought,
但是他们的反应并不积极，然后我想
'That's not very friendly or helpful of them.'
'是不是对他们来说这样不太友好，或不管用.'
And then I realized,
后来我意识到
I realized that they weren't going to do more than make those first few minutes of small talk.
我意识到在第一次见面的简短聊天中，他们只要能够坐在那里就好
It was simply going to be an occasion where I didn't have AIDS and I wasn't dying,
第一次的聊天实际上是一个机会，让他们认识到虽然我没有艾滋病，我没有等待死亡，
but could tolerate the fact that they did and they were.
但是我能够接受他们有艾滋病并不断恶化的事实
Our needs are our greatest assets.
我们的需求是我们最宝贵的财富
It turns out I've learned to give all the things I need."
后来我学会了如何尽我所能(去帮助他人)
Valuing one's depression does not prevent a relapse,
正视抑郁的价值并不能保证不再复发
but it may make the prospect of relapse and even relapse itself easier to tolerate.
但是却能改变看待抑郁复发的态度，甚至会减弱抑郁复发的程度
The question is not so much of finding great meaning and deciding your depression has been very meaningful.
我们要解决的问题，并不是要去找到伟大的意义和决策让你的抑郁看起来意义非凡
It's of seeking that meaning and thinking, when it comes again,
而是要去寻找这样的意义，能够让你思考，当抑郁卷土重来
"This will be hellish, but I will learn something from it."
"这会向下地狱般痛苦，但是我会受益良多
I have learned in my own depression how big an emotion can be,
我从自己的抑郁中看到情绪的作用能够如此之大
how it can be more real than facts,
甚至能够盖过客观存在
and I have found that that experience
而且我发现我的这段经历
has allowed me to experience positive emotion in a more intense and more focused way.
让我能够更加强烈和专注的去感受和体会积极向上的情绪
The opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality,
抑郁的反面不是快乐而是活力
and these days, my life is vital, even on the days when I'm sad.
现在这段时间，我的生活充满活力，即便我有时会悲伤，也是如此
I felt that funeral in my brain,
我看到自己的脑海中也进行着一场葬礼
and I sat next to the colossus at the edge of the world,
我坐在世界的边缘，挨着一个巨人
and I have discovered something inside of myself that I would have to call a soul
我发现身体里的一些东西，称为灵魂的东西
that I had never formulated until that day 20 years ago when hell came to pay me a surprise visit.
在20年前尚未真正的成型，直到地狱的使者突然出现
I think that while I hated being depressed and would hate to be depressed again,
我想，虽然我很厌恶抑郁时候的状态，也很厌恶抑郁旧病复发
I've found a way to love my depression.
我还是会寻到一种方法接受并爱抑郁的自己
I love it because it has forced me to find and cling to joy.
我爱它，因为它迫使我去寻找快乐并牢牢抓住
I love it because each day I decide, sometimes gamely,
我爱它，因为它让我在生活中牢牢抓住让我活下去的理由,
and sometimes against the moment's reason, to cleave to the reasons for living.
虽然有时候也会不那么理性，虽然偶尔也会游戏人生
And that, I think, is a highly privileged rapture.
而这， 我想，是非常值得高兴和赞赏的事情.
Thank you.
谢谢大家
